fear of health

I am reading a book called "Emotional Intelligence", recommended by Adam from "30 bananas a day". I feel that there are some self destructive issues in my life that I want to deal with.

I have been coming up against some "road blocks" in making healthy choices. Ever since I've started eating 80/10/10 the longest I have been able to stay eating this way has been for 3 months straight. On average I can make 3 or 4 days and then I find that I feel incredibly good and as much as I enjoy that feeling it very foreign to me and I reach out for what's familiar.

Ever since I was a baby I have lived with pain and sickness. When I was a 4 month old baby my right leg was burned from hot water from the bathroom sink. I was left in the sink while my mom was out of the room, somehow the hot water got turned on and the water ran onto my leg for quite a while. Most of my childhood was spend in and out of hospitals getting skin graphs on my leg. So with all the surgeries I've had and then becoming sick and depressed at the age of 12, my whole life up until the age of 34 has been full of hospitals and sickness. That is all I had ever known, sickness is very familiar and comfortable to me.

So now that I have found health I am stepping into unfamiliar territory. When I eat healthy, feel healthy and live healthy I feel great on one level but I also feel scared and bare on another level. I find myself purposefully eating foods that I know will bring me down because I want to feel that blanket of sickness. I want what's familiar to me. I also have no childhood memories attached to fruits and vegetables. We ate very few of those in my childhood home and our fruit intake was composed of fruit pies from Eddie's bakery...which actually don't even have real fruit.

So how do I change this self destructive behavior? How can I feel comfortable in a healthy thriving body?

I just keep at it. It is like learning a foreign language, there comes a point in the learning process where everything clicks. There is not an option for me to go back to eating fast food and being sick all the time. That I cannot live with...I am all about self improvement. I want to become the very best person I can be...mentally, spiritually, physically and emotionally. Now that I have tasted the sweet nectar of health, I will continue on that path.

I have read it can take years to fully transition into a healthy raw diet. In November it will be year number 4 for me..with 2 years as 80/10/10 raw vegan. This is a little discouraging to me, but not that much. I have come a long way in a short amount of time. I spent 34 years living my old patterns and only 4 in changing those patterns to new ones. Some people have been able to jump into eating right without looking back...they just go 100% and stay that way. I haven't been able to do that, but I will get there. I just keep filling myself with knowledge and work on loving myself and my body every day. I am only becoming better.